My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
