I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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