LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
