through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
