He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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