dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
