fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
