its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
tell me about the fingering
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