My hand turned me down
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
