So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
