I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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