so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
