How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
