you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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