...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
