i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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