Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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