i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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