just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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