True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
