The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
