so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
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