yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
