Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
