She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
