I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
