I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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