I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
