i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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