Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
