I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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