Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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