and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
