I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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