My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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