Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
