Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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