I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
