I think my vagina is haunted
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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