My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
