Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
