your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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