We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize