He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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