i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
