So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
