Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
