can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
