Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize