youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
