he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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