I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
