I just saw a hot homeless man
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
