I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
