i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
