weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
