I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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