dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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