My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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