I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
