Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
