Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
