Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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