gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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