she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The Olympian is in my bed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
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