You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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