ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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